When key pillars in our lives are removed, or our sense of security and identity somehow threatened, we may end up feeling untethered. Given the human predisposition toward order, rationale and regime, this can feel frightening. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott proposed that human beings always need a ‘holding environment’; a space where we feel held and protected. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Winnicott links this directly to an unborn baby’s ‘containment’ within the womb, arguing that even as adults we need a similarly secure space where we experience reassurance and a soothing presence able to hold and comfort us.

Life is rarely straightforward. Even those of us who have had relatively peaceful beginnings in life are likely to face illness, heartbreak or grief at some point. Indeed, a life void of any trouble is arguably one unlived, because it could be suggestive of emotional stasis or disengagement. As CS Lewis states in the Four Loves, ‘to love is to be vulnerable’:-

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

If we are to love the people and world around us, we are likely to experience pain and hurt at some point. The solution to complex feeling is not to harden one’s heart and become cold and indifferent to the struggles around us. Neither is it wise to be beholden to our feelings and allow them mastery over us. Instead, a delicate balance must be struck; we must feel our emotions in their fullness, without fear of them, within a holding and benevolent space which enables us to do this safely.

That ‘space’ looks very different for different people. For some it may be literal. Many of us are soothed by the natural world, by pottering around the garden with a cup of tea or walking with the dog. Others find solace and repose being snuggled into a well-loved armchair or holding a particular mug. Creating a safe space for young people at our weekly hub has been a great joy; each week we enjoy the ritual of a hot chocolate together in our own, specially designed mugs (with loads of cream and marshmallows!), followed by an informal, playful activity. Our intention has been to create a warm, containing space where attendees feel safe and can consequently relax and bond.

Our relationships with one another, too, can be containing. Winnicott claimed that “the foundations of health are laid down by the ordinary mother in her ordinary loving care of her own baby”, and theorised that we can offer such ‘holding’ to those around us. Some of our young people have never experienced a truly safe relationship, and it’s a privilege to witness what can change for them when they realise that there are secure people for them to lean on. Whether it’s a weekly meeting to discuss college, or simply to offer a listening ear, we are so often touched by the commitment that our hosts and mentors show to our young people. Offering them this safeguarded and intentional time allows them to regulate and feel seen.

Whilst we may find comfort and containment in holding spaces or when being held by others, it is, according to Winnicott, our capacity to be alone that ‘is one of the most important signs of maturity in terms of emotional development’. Our capacity to self-regulate, and to hold our own emotional depths signifies emotional maturation and self-knowledge. As a community with a Christian ethos at our core, we believe that it is ultimately our walk with God and His compassionate attention to our needs that enables us to self-soothe.

“But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content.” Psalm 131:2