As we approach our fifth birthday party, and look forward to gathering our young people, hosts and guests together to celebrate, we felt it fitting that this month’s blog post centre on the findings of Priya Parker and her book The Art of Gathering.
Community and gathering people together are core to Concrete Rose; we believe deeply in the healing that comes from spending time with attuned and loving individuals, who validate and affirm our young people and give them space to flourish.
Parkers’ book similarly advocates for the ‘inherent power’ of gathering; she writes of the transformative impact bringing people together can have when ‘meaningful gatherers’ carefully consider the purpose, venue, attendees and format of their gathering.

Hosting a successful gathering, Parker argues, is determined on first identifying its predominant purpose. Why is this meeting or dinner or conference unique amongst others? She advises that gatherers drill into the reasoning for their gathering first, believing that the subsequent clarity provided will determine further details of the event itself. She argues that ‘making the effort to consider how you want your guests, and yourself, to be altered by the experience’ is key to ensuring that an event is meaningful and honours guests, demonstrating that they have been convened for a reason bespoke to them, at that specific moment in time.

Parker also endorses being selective about your invitees, suggesting that ‘by closing the door, you create the room’. This, she continues, is by no means exclusionary, but instead creates an opportunity to facilitate diversity. A carefully curated guest-list, rather than ‘open to all’ approach, ensures that diversity is ‘heightened and sharpened rather than diluted’, enabling underexplored relationships to be held and focussed on. Parker suggests that considering the size of your group, as well as taking care in considering who is present, is another key component to meaningful gathering. The number of attendees powerfully dictates atmosphere.

Once the purpose of your gathering and your guestlist have been determined, Parker says you’re ready to consider the venue and its impact. ‘A contained space for a gathering allows people to relax and it helps create the alternative world that a gathering can, at its best achieve.’ She notes that venues do not have to be fancy but that simple gestures can have great impact; ‘it can be as simple as putting down a blanket for a picnic rather than sitting down on an endless expanse of grass… it’s about making people feel comfortable and safe’. It is in these small details – the curation of chairs, the lighting of candles – that a venue becomes special.

Parker is dismissive of a ‘chill’ host, arguing that this is a ‘miserable attitude’ and encourages gatherers to ‘assume (their) proper power’. ‘Once your guests have come into your kingdom, they want to be governed – gently, respectfully and well’. Whilst society may now lean towards ‘hanging out’ informally, Parker insists that it can be an act of love and care to exercise a ‘generous authority as a host… to serve your guests’. She proposes that hosts have a duty to be aware of the power dynamics amongst their attendees ‘and be willing to do something about them’. This may be through dismissing the unspoken etiquette that many assume at a gathering, which can be perversely alienating to those who aren’t in the know, and instead creating an ‘alternative world’. She describes creating an ‘imaginary world that is actually more playful than your everyday gathering- the rules are temporary and therefore people are more willing to obey them’. These rules can be simple and silly – such as not being able to pour yourself a drink so that someone else always has to do it for you; everyone toasting something different and explaining their reason for this; or everyone dressing in the same colour, as with the international phenomena of Le Dîner en Blanc. This cultural movement sees thousands of people across the globe meet spontaneously at a secret location, elegantly dressed in white to share life, food and fashion.

As playful rules elicit warmth and humour, Parker notes that this, in turn, draws out meaningful connection and fruitful collaboration. Connecting people through silliness, Parker argues, is in fact the sign of a ‘talented gatherer… who doesn’t hope for a group of disparate people to become a group.’ She doesn’t believe that meaningful gatherings should shy away from what is authentic and difficult, believing that ‘realness can be designed’. ‘So often when we gather, we are gathered in ways that hide our need for help and portray us in the strongest and least heart-stirring light’. To ensure that social gatherings are meaningful and significant rather than based on polished social cues, she advises hosts to take the lead in removing their own mask. Rather than encouraging discussion about recent achievements or life accolades, hosts should set a rule that enables equality; Parker suggests, depending on context, banning work discussion and instead encouraging guests to discuss their favourite Disney character. Such a rule may seem facile, but it allows for a level-playing field and may offer surprising insight into an individual. ‘The meaningful gatherer doesn’t fear negativity, and in fact creates space for the dark and the dangerous’, Parker writes. ‘A space that allows a ‘chance to pause and consider what is not uplifting but thoughtful and heart provoking’.

Whilst we may not encourage all our guests to dress in white, or as their favourite Disney character, The Art of Gathering has certainly given us food for thought as we move towards hosting our own party in November. We hope that our guests will feel warmly welcomed, carefully hosted and leave feeling that they have connected meaningfully with the Concrete Rose community.