Forgiveness and freedom: the most difficult of all lessons 

Founder Mike Farrington explores how we might support young people in their deeply personal choices about processing traumatic experiences. 

Introduction 

 “The picture [above] is seared into our collective unconscious. The photo, often referred to as “Napalm Girl,” shows nine-year-old Kim Phuc running naked and screaming down a road in Trang Bang, South Vietnam. Her body has been burned by the flammable scatter of an incendiary bomb. …. So primal is the scene—an unclothed girl and four other children fleeing in pain and panic past men in uniform; a dark sky roiling with apocalyptic bomb clouds—that it has endured for decades as an anti-war icon.” 

 This is how the January edition of Vanity Fair describes the now infamous picture – ‘Napalm Girl’ captured during the Vietnam War.  Kim Phuc herself would later describe the moment in her own words: 

  “On June 8, 1972, I ran out from Cao Dai temple in my village, Trang Bang, South Vietnam; I saw an airplane getting lower and then four bombs falling down. I saw fire everywhere around me. Then I saw the fire over my body, especially on my left arm. My clothes had been burned off by fire. I was 9 years old but I still remember my thoughts at that moment: I would be ugly and people would treat me in a different way.  My picture was taken in that moment on Road No. 1 from Saigon to Phnom Penh. After a soldier gave me some drink and poured water over my body, I lost my consciousness.” 

 Kim survived but recognised that “the anger inside me was like a hatred as high as a mountain. I hated my life. I hated all people who were normal because I was not normal. I really wanted to die many times”.   

Forgiveness and Trauma 

Trauma almost always leaves terrible physical, psychological and emotional scars, with victims often harbouring understandable and legitimate feelings of anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment, rage, alongside an amended world-view that incorporates their betrayal and hurt.  This is often acutely evident in victims of childhood trauma and notably where trauma is repeated (for example in cases of abuse) and perpetrated by those who are in positions of trust and should be there to provide care and protection. 

On the path towards healing and recovery from traumatic experiences many are often confronted with questions as to whether forgiveness is necessary or sensible to find freedom from ongoing strong emotional feelings of hate, anger etc.  Most mental health experts we would agree that forgiveness remains a deeply personal choice, but it can be an important part of the healing process. Intuitively we, and those we support , often know that harbouring unforgiveness is harmful (adhering to Marianne Williamson’s maxim that “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”).  Yet this does not make it easy.  Where young people do want to take steps to try and forgive others it is often helpful to firstly establish a clear understanding of what forgiveness is (and what it isn’t).  In particular: 

• Forgiveness is not saying what happened is ok or acceptable   

• Forgiveness is not reconciliation with the person who has carried out a harmful act 

• Forgiveness is about relinquishing your right to retribution.  That doesn’t mean people shouldn’t or won’t be brought to justice but that you will not carry the burden of retribution personally 

• Forgiveness is not about forgetting but it is about not letting the action(s) continue to cause bitterness and anger. (These are distinct from feelings of grief, pain and loss which often will, and sometimes should, persist)  

• Forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling.  It’s an act of the will not of the heart 

Forgiveness and Justice 

For some, the hardest aspect of forgiveness is giving up the sense that justice will be served and people will face the consequences for their actions.  This is especially the case in a world where, however hard we try, justice does not always prevail.  Nevertheless, it is not necessarily the case that forgiveness and justice are mutually exclusive.  Whilst it may be necessary to acknowledge that forgiveness requires giving up one’s own personal right to carry out this justice there are several points to keep in mind: 

• It may still be possible (and necessary) to help the process of justice (and protect others) by bringing up the actions of perpetrators to the necessary authorities e.g. the police.  Although, evidently, this still requires the burden of justice to be passed elsewhere. 

• Certain belief systems provide a framework that incorporates the sense that people will always and at some point be accountable for their actions.  This may be a worldview of “karma” where there will be consequences for actions or a worldview of accountability to an external force or deity.   

For others, reconciling justice versus forgiveness is not the issue and any need to find grounds or legitimacy for forgiveness may lie in other quarters; including recognising inherent brokenness in perpetrators or the right to be free from the ongoing influence of traumatic events (moving from victim to survivor and even overcomer).  

Final Thoughts 

In 2008, Kim Phuc gave an interview to the National Public Radio (entitled ‘The long road to forgiveness’) in which she identified the fundamental importance of forgiveness in allowing her to be “free from hatred”.  For her, this journey began with a faith-encounter with Jesus and a sense that she was able to offer forgiveness having experienced unconditional love from God: “It was an amazing turning point in my life. God helped me to learn to forgive — the most difficult of all lessons. It didn’t happen in a day and it wasn’t easy. But I finally got it.”  Strikingly Kim Phuc is not only able to forgive those who dropped the bomb on her but also recognises the inherent power in such decisions even to overcome monstrous events: “Napalm is very powerful but faith, forgiveness and love are much more powerful.”  Thus, whilst the physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual pain should in no way be overlooked or diminished – and the physical scars and pain remain – she can testify that her “heart is cleansed” from lingering anger towards the perpetrators. 

The ‘road to forgiveness’ must be self-determined and self-propelled and may not be appropriate for all.  It is usually long and hard and, at times, overwhelming.  Nevertheless, if you are accompanying young people along this journey, we hope these thoughts and the inspiration of Kim Phuc provide some helpful insight.  Certainly, for some it is a gateway to experiencing a greater level of freedom from the past.